Playing With Beetles
by Ennrian Iris
Summary: *FINISHED* This sorta contains spoilers for those of you that have NOT read the fourth book, so read at your own risk. It's Snape/?, but you have to finish reading it to really understand why I chose this certain person.
1. Part I

NONE OF THE HARRY POTTER CHARACTERS BELONG TO ME ****

NONE OF THE HARRY POTTER CHARACTERS BELONG TO ME. THEY ARE THE PROPERTY OF J.K. ROWLING AND THE HARRY POTTER BOOK SERIES. OK, THIS DISCLAIMER IS OVER. YOU MAY NOW READ MY EXTRAORDINARY FAN FICTION ;0)

Snape cleared his throat after Potions.

"The coast is clear."

Hermione had brought in the jarred beetle, Rita Skeeter. Snape had said beetles were necessary for next week's potion, and that you could bring them in early. Of course, she had left the jar in the room. Mistake on her part. Snape had let Rita Skeeter out. She was now a person again.

"Professor, I thank you very, very much, but I should be leaving now."

Snape shut the door.

"First of all, call me Severus. Second of all, you're not leaving."

"What? What do you mean I'm not leaving?! I could get you in the paper for keeping me hostage! It won't be pretty!"

"Pretty? It may not be, but _you_sure are."

"Why I oughtta… huh?"

"You're not the only tricky person around here. I watched you last year. I know a lot about you. You like to slander Potter. You're a very smart woman."

"Well… I don't know what to say!" she blushed.

Snape thought, _that's a first_, but didn't say it.

"Anyway," Snape continued, "I can't get rid of Potter alone, but… if there's someone that will dispose of him with me, then could they dispose Saturday, secretly, during the Quidditch game of Gryffindor and Hufflepuff?" He winked at her. This was making him sick, but if he didn't do it he could lose his job.

There was a knock on the door.

"Hurry! You must transform!" he whispered urgently in Skeeter's ear. With a quick pop, she was a beetle again. Just to be cautious, he put her in his pocket and put a regular beetle in Hermione's jar. He went to his desk and appeared to look busy.

"Enter."

"Uh, professor, sir?" it was Hermione. "Have you seen my Transfiguration book? I think I may have left it in here…"

Snape grunted disapprovingly.

"It's over there. Now hurry up."

"Thank you," she muttered.

"Thank you, _what_?"

"Thank you, _sir_," she corrected herself.

"Good. Now SCRAM!"

Hermione quickly shuffled out of the room. Snape shut the door and locked it. Taking out his wand he put an anti-eavesdropper spell on it so nothing could be heard from outside.

"Now," he pulled the beetle out of his pocket, placed her softly on the floor and…

****

Pop!

Rita Skeeter was brushing pocket lint off of herself.

"Sorry about that…" he hesitated, "honey."

Rita turned beet red and fluttered her eyelids.

"If I'm honey, than shall I call you schnookie-kins?" She gave the most irritating, childish giggle Snape had ever heard. He felt ready to give up his job then and there, but then if he lost his job, he'd never get the chance to be the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.

"Why of course, my little honeycomb!" he had to. He hated it, but he had to.

"Now, let's plan." He was glad to change the subject.

"So we'll cause Potter to fall off his broom?" Rita assumed.

"Yes, yes. _BUT_, the secret is, we _MUST_ wait till he is high enough in the air and going fast enough so it will be thought an accident. The heighth will also give the advantage of Potter possibly even dying! Either that or become so injured he'll never be able to play again!"

"Oooh! What an article that'd be! You're a genius!" She did a little dance and kissed Snape on the cheek. He felt like hurling.

"My second year class should be here soon. I suggest you get back in the jar." He held the jar in front of his face, the curved glass contorting his jaw and nose. Rita put her hand on the rim of the jar, there was a familiar pop and she was in the jar. Snape screwed the lid back on and placed it on the shelf behind him.

****

SO… THAT'S PART ONE. WHAT D'YA THINK? THIS IS MY FIRST FIC. I'M WORKING ON ANOTHER ONE CALLED "FAMILY BUSINESS", WHICH YOU CAN READ THE FIRST PART (AND POSSIBLY MORE DEPENDING ON IF I'VE POSTED IT YET). I'M GONNA HAVE PICTURES TO GO WITH THIS ON MY WEBSITE: [**www.hotharry.homestead.com**][1]** WHEN I GET THE CHANCE. PLEASE REVIEW MY FIC!**

   [1]: http://www.hotharry.homestead.com/



	2. Part II

I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THE HARRY POTTER CHARACTERS ****

I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THE HARRY POTTER CHARACTERS. THEY ARE OWNED BY J.K. ROWLING AND THE HARRY POTTER BOOK SERIES. OK, THIS DISCLAIMER IS OVER.

Playing with Beetles, Part II

A/N – If you have not read Playing with Beetles Part I, **read that first**. If not, you will SOOOOO not understand this.

Thursday came and went, and then it was Friday, the day before the important game.

"Schnookie-kins, can I come in?" Rita called from the adjoining room. Snape rolled his eyes. He couldn't wait till the game.

"Yes, my beautiful green beetle of love!" He felt more like saying, "No, you ugly fat granny!" but held back. She let herself in. She was wearing stunning green robes covered in emerald green sequins. It would look shockingly pretty on anyone but her. Her ugly hair had made an improvement, but it still looked horrid. She had put tons of MagiScara on (magic mascara), and so much lipstick on she could pass for Bozo the Clown. Her shoes had the highest heels he'd seen in his life, they matched her robes and were open-toed. Her stubby toes stuck out, the nails covered in Cramann's Light-Up MagiNail Polish, in green. Her fingernails matched. He thought _he_ would turn green from _sickness_.

"Ready for our romantic, candle-lit dinner by the lake?" Rita queried, giving a horrible grin.

He'd forgotten about that.

"Uh, one moment, Rita my dear." He hurried into another room (the same one she'd come out of) and came back out in nicer, cleaner robes, his hair combed back and a fake grin on his face that only Rita would think real. Reluctantly, he held out his hand, which she took hold of.

****

Pop!

He put her in his pocket. Everyone else would be in the Great Hall for dinner, so he could safely take her out to the lake without being seen.

On the way out, Snape snuck into the kitchen and, of course, the house elves loaded him with food, and, after he asked for one, they gave him a picnic blanket. He could feel the fat ol' beetle, Rita, obviously wanting to get out of his pocket. He left the kitchen quickly and shuffled out to the lake.

"Finally," Rita breathed, once she had returned to her human form. "I haven't seen the beauty of the outdoors for a year." She took a deep breath and closed her eyes.

Snape thought to himself.

"That is the first beautiful thing she has ever said." But then he reminded himself how annoying she was and that was the end of that thought.

He set up everything and conjured some candles right on the bank of the lake. The sun was setting. He thought it would be great, if who he was with wasn't an annoying green beetle. The food was laid out and they ate.

"Mmm… so… tomorrow's… the big… day," she said between a mouthful of vegetarian tortellini and a huge gulf of butterbeer.

"Bigger than you think," Snape mumbled under his breath.

"What was that, Snapey-schnookie-wookie-cookie?"

He almost threw up his whole meal. He'd gotten used to Schnookie-kins, but Snapey-schnookie-wookie-cookie?

"Oh, nothing, Rita my lovey love," he said, pretending to look at her, but really looking past her. He was looking at the lighted outside windows of the Great Hall. The silhouettes seemed ready to go.

"Sweetie, we better get moving. They're almost done in the Great Hall." He got up quickly, packed the stuff, and folded the blanket.

"Hold my hand," he ordered her. Once again, there was the familiar popping noise and Rita was in Snape's hand, heading toward his pocket. On the way back, they stopped by the kitchen to drop off the plates, silverware, cups, and blanket.

Hee hee! Please review! I have written the third and final part and am in the process of transferring it to my PC. Hope you have the time to read my other fic if you haven't already: Family Business, Chapter 1, and Family Business, Chapters 2-5. Have fun!


	3. Part III

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the H

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the H.P. characters.

****

Part III

It was Saturday, the big day, and Snape was nervous. What if Rita didn't get it? What if she wouldn't leave? He would lose his job _and_ be stuck with Rita forever. All these horrible thoughts were swimming around in his head, making him dizzy. If she didn't react like he hoped… his plan would fail… he would be fired…

"Aaah!" he screamed, holding his aching head, experiencing an information override.

_Pop!_

"What's wrong, schnook-schnook?" Rita had climbed a twig and toppled out of the jar so she could transform.

"Oh, uh, just a migraine," he lied, even though he was thinking _she_ could give him one easily…

"Well, let's just hope it's gone by game time," she said in a babyish voice, combing out his messy hair with her fingers as if he were a child.

"Please, please let it work," Snape whispered to himself.

"Oh it will, it will," she assured him about the plan that she _thought_ was going to take place, but really wasn't. He had meant the _real_ plan though…

"I guess you're right," he paused, then added, "Punkin'." He went along with it. She had no idea what he really had been talking about.

As they headed toward the quidditch field, Rita in Snape's pocket, he thought. He thought about the _real_ plan, not the fake one. He had to get Rita up into the top box, where guest headmasters or important people from the ministry sat. He had already made secret arrangements, so no one would come in while the plan was being carried out. His heart jumped, but then he felt his pocket (the one that Rita Skeeter was _not_ in) and was relieved. It was there. The key part, or at least one of them, was there; he hadn't forgotten it. He reached the stairs to the top box and began to climb them. Finally! He was inside. A nice table had been set, a bottle of champagne on top with two stemmed glasses that sparkled and glimmered in the light of the window. Snape took Skeeter out and placed her on a chair. Once again, there was the pop of transformation.

"Oooh! Snapey-pie! You're such a sly one!"

"Rita, love of my life, I have something to ask you."

Rita's face became round and red like a cherry, a toothy grin spreading across her face. Snape pulled a small, black box out of his pocket and knelt before her. She was shaking uncontrollably with delight.

"I love you, Snapey-wapey!"

"Close your eyes and hold out your hand. I know you love me, and that is why…" Rita's eyes were closed. Snape opened the box. He slipped a ring on her chubby finger, his own finger covering the top of the ring so it could not be seen.

"Rita, will you…" he looked up at her. "You may open your eyes first Rita."

"Oh, sorry," she said sheepishly.

"Anyway… will you… get the heck away from Hogwarts?" Snape uncovered the ring. Rita let out a gasp of sadness and horror. She had to say yes, because it wasn't the colossal diamond she had expected it to be. It was a broken heart made of some enchanted metal, a skull engraved on it. It glowed a crimson red on the out edge, but the skull itself glowed green. It was something called 'The Ring of Evil Hearts.' Snape had broken Rita's heart, and this ring held powers. The power to keep the wearer away from whomever broke their heart. The power to stay with the wearer forever, to be worn permanently on that finger. The power to never be removed. As long as Snape was at Hogwarts, Rita Skeeter couldn't come within miles. Albus Dumbledore apparated into the top box next to Snape. He waved at Skeeter.

"Buh-bye now!" he called, as Rita realized there was even more to the ring. It was a port key, and as if what Dumbledore had said was a signal, she disappeared from sight.

~*~

The next day, Snape was called into Dumbledore's office.

"Severus, you did such a job at getting rid out Rita Skeeter, that I have decided to give you a bonus."

'Yes!' Snape thought to himself. 'Finally! The Defense Against the Dark Arts job! And he said it was a bonus, so I'll still get to teach potions too! This is the life!'

"No, wait, I'm sorry, Severus. I got you mixed up with something McGonagall did. You just get this pretty, blue ribbon!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

~*~

A/N: THE END!!!!! Anyway, please review, I'll be very happy if you do, even if it is a flame! I don't mind! I'm just happy I got this crap typed up for good! Moving on… I am currently trying to finish up on _Family Business_, and I'm going to try not to start anything new until I can post the endings to two more of my fics, so those will be _Family Business_, and _Rain_, hopefully. _Rain_ may take awhile mind you… Ciao for now!


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